I suspect y’all are bored of stories about my “adventures” with people you don’t know. I’m kind of bored with telling them – regurgitating episodes rather than using my mush brain to come up with legitimate thoughts/ideas. And isn’t that actually why you come to Once Upon a (L)ime? Spiritual and thought-provoking ideas?
(…I wrote about picking my nose earlier)(?)
Actually, it makes me feel like a narcisistic asshole, all this talking about my life as if the whole (web)world should be interested in it. Because, if you didn’t know, my life is actually SUPREMELY lame. I.AM.A.LOSER, sans the few awesome parts I tell you about. (That’s why I can’t write more often, Madison, there simply isn’t enough awesome to report)
BLOG TIME OUT : is everybody thinking, ‘ Well wtf did you start a blog for then, you stupid hypocrital jackoff? ‘ This is a reminder that OUa(L) was meant to be a wedding-planning/iliveacrossthecountrynowdon’tyouwanttoknoweverythingi’mdoing,mom?
With that all being said, and also knowing that most of the country is shivering through a wretched winter and getting their workouts by shoveling feet of snow out of their driveways…
Sarah STB & EB Go Paddle Boarding
We’ve been having some really incredible weather the past week – I’m talking high 70’s and tanlines, people. IN JANUARY. What’s that? Do I miss Ohio? Hahahahahhahaa. Yeah. Like I miss teenage acne. (er, if I didn’t still have it…)
Bright and early (7am!) we headed over to Laguna Beach to meet Taylor from Paddle Board Bliss for an attempt at stand up paddle boarding. I’ve seen a lot of celebrities looking all cute and ‘this-is-so-easy-but-a-great-workout-swearsies!’ so I was like, yeah man let’s do it. EB and I are both athletic and I mean we don’t surf or anything, but how hard can it be if freaking Nichole Richie can do it?
So in all the pictures (the extent of my research) everyone was wearing shorts and cotton tops or watever. So that’s what we wore. I mean, hello would people be doing this when the ocean temps are in the 50s if you actually got IN the water? So we show up and Taylor’s all, “ummm would you like a wetsuit?” and I’m all “not really…”
me : “… well, why? Is there a chance we’re gonna fall in?”
Taylor : “um well yeah, probably.”
GREAT. Awesome. Have I told you about my giant phobia of large bodies of water and things wrapping around my ankles and pulling me underwater and then something swims over and bites my arm off and I bleed out while drowning and probably catch fire too so it can be all the most miserable ways to die all at once?
And so, since I’m super modest and decent and TOO STUPID TO WEAR A BATHING SUIT BECAUSE HAHAHAHAHAHAH WE’RE NOT GOING TO ACTUALLY GET WET! I stripped down to my sports bra and underwear in front of a complete stranger and put on the dang wetsuit. I mean whatever. Have I mentioned I’m practically albino?
The tide was really high that morning – don’t ask me why I really didn’t pay attention in weather/geology/whateverscienceclass and there was literally NO beach left in the cove where we met.
Taylor gives us a quick run down, we grab our boards, and take our spandex-encased butts straight into waist-high water. UMMM YES IT WAS COLD. If I wasn’t so concerned with getting carted into oblivion by one of the giant tides I would have probably cared more about hypothermia. We got on our boards and up on our knees and paddled out a ways, and yay it’s easy peasy! This is going to be fun I’m practically dry already!
When Taylor showed us how to stand up, the one thing she said was “make sure you start paddling right away.”
So, it’s hard because you know it’s wobbly and if you shift your weight to a side WOOPSIES your board does too. Almost simultaneously EB and I both get about half way up, wobble a bit, and BAM straight into the water. Yeah. Awesome. About that wetsuit…
On the second try – I wonder how many times Taylor has seen this? – EB and I both stand all the way up, squeel a little like yayyyy look we did it! and then BAM back in the water because STOOPID that’s exactly what Taylor said not to do. Third time was the charm, and eventually we got our “sea legs” and got in a groove.
I only fell in one other time – about 2 minutes after declaring “man I’m getting warm I’m practically sweating!” We paddled over to seal rock and there were probably 25 sea lions all playing in the water and barking and man was it awesome. If I wasn’t so scared to stop paddling or having to stand up again I woulda sat and hung out for a while but you know, maybe next time.
Because yes I’m going again and yes I’m making B go and YES everybody who visits from now on will be forced to go. It will be extra fun by then because I’ll be all good and stuff and can laugh at them when they fall in.
And I’ll probably tell them not to wear a bathing suit so they have to strip down to their skivees, too. It’s only fair.
You may now return to your regularly scheduled January activities. Ohio, I still heart you. A little.
Oh, and maybe tomorrow I’ll have something “thought-provoking” for you. Probably not. You can bet it’ll be a little asshole-y and make all the cold-weather folk want to stab me though.